In Regards To Myself

As I roll into this town, the memories of years past return to me. In entering, a sign reads, 'Proceed with caution'. I remember where all the curves are, the speed limit, even exactly where all the potholes are. The buildings and signs are all where I recall them to be. The distinct smell of the land floods my mind with memories of pivotal moments of past trips here. Nothing has changed in this old town. I can trust everything to be exactly the same. This is just another venture to this place, a journey I often take to face myself and find my footing again.

It all started about three years ago. I was in a fairly serious relationship with a girl. I was considering long term plans for us. I couldn't imagine myself without her, even beyond outside influences. Everyone knew it. When her family was considering moving away to seek administrative positions, we even thought through plans to keep our long distance relationship going. Then it started happening. I felt my deep emotions for her slowly fading away. I didn't understand it. I fought it kicking and screaming. A punch of confidence would hit me, determining to myself that the relationship would stay alive, but then several moments later as the truth would resurface I would be on the verge of tears. My love for this girl was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it. No amount of tears or sweet words could save us.

It wasn't anything she had ever done that made me move on. A greater force was pulling me out and gently urging me to let go. Maybe it was outside reasons that our relationship would not work out but maybe it was reasons I could not think of. Either way, I really felt the Lord was looking out for me and pointing me in a better direction. It was a voice that haunted me day and night. I could only escape when I was asleep. After I talked to a number of prominent people, I finally made a decision to end the relationship. I didn't love this girl anymore and any attempts to continue or revive it would be misleading and a lie. Of course I tried to make it work but it was always a dead end. So I had to move on.

A number of months later that year, I met another girl who lived a few hours away. She was so sweet, beautiful, and genuinely cared for me. Before I knew it, she started being interested in me. I liked her also. My emotions were so strong for her but they left early on. Again, it was nothing she had done. If anything, in my very humble opinion, she was perfect for me. Not sure if I was perfect for her. But she had everything I wanted in a companion. I feel like she was the closest I have ever come to someone being such a perfect fit for me. I had EVERY reason to love her. The only thing missing was my love for her. I couldn't make it be there no matter how long I talked to her, how many hours I spent with her, thinking about her, sending her gifts. It wasn't working.

I had two choices: to break it off and hurt her or try to make it work and end up hurting her even more. So I went through with the second choice. I led her on. I talked to her often, sent her extravagant Christmas gifts, all the while living under the guilt of knowing I didn't love her. The same voice was asking me why I was leading her on. I made myself believe the voice was saying, 'not right now', as if this girl and I would eventually be together. You're probably wondering why I continued to lead this girl on. And my answer would be this: All the evidence was there, all the reasons for me to love her. More than enough. But I couldn't make myself love her no matter how hard I tried and how much I desired to. I tried to convince myself that I really loved her but I didn't. There was some reason I couldn't be with her. I may wonder that for the rest of my days. I was never able to to tell her I didn't like her. I wasn't man enough. I made the excuse that our relationship wasn't working 'right now', hoping that one day it would. So we quit communicating. I felt terrible for what I had done. This girl had just wasted time trying to be with me and I can't say I blame her for never wanted to speak to me again.

My main point is it was the same force in both of these instances. In the first relationship I was pulled me out for reasons I could not see and the second disallowed me to ever sincerely be involved for reasons I could not know. You could say my romantic feelings are not in my control. I'm not out of control, but they are securely in God's hands. His sight is much further and is infinitely more knowledgeable of my life. I can't see around the next corner, much less what will happen in my romantic relationships. It's a supernatural spiritual level that I've never heard anyone else say they've been, but this requires plenty of trust. When God decides to let open the floodgates of my heart to fall in love with someone, it will be in his plan. I'm not going to worry. He has never disappointed me and I'm not expecting him to. I truly believe I can't make feelings for someone nor allow enough time for them to form in order to have them. I trust wholly in God that when the time is right that he will allow me to love the right woman for me.